4/4/15 - Evening Check-In

It's 8:35pm and I am feeling great. I have had energy throughout the day which is a nice change. I wasn't able to get everything on my list done today but at least I got the most important items done. I did some house cleaning (although I still have a little more to do before bed), I got all of my Easter shopping done, I did some errands, dyed eggs with my kids, and took my daughter to the birthday party she was invited to. 

While shopping for Easter items today I realized how strong my sugar addiction still is. While perusing through the candy aisle I started to literally salivate. That voice in the back of my head started to try and convince me that I could afford a couple candies. As I browsed the goods got items for my kids the craving got stronger and stronger. I felt like I was starving but I knew I wasn't. I ended up running over to the snack aisle to find a lowfat healthy alternative. The only option I found was a bag of pretzels. 

I hurried out of the store and as soon as I was outside I started to open the pretzel bag. It was windy and cold outside so I hurried to my car. As soon as I was inside I started to realize that the cravings and hunger feeling were started to subside. I ate three pretzels and stopped because I knew I wasn't hungry. Normally I can't tell the difference but this time I could. I didn't feel hunger pains in my belly and I didn't feel crabby and tired or any of the other typical side defects I get when I am really hungry. It was then, while sitting in my car in the parking lot, that I realized how strong my sugar addiction still is. Don't get me wrong, the cravings have died down a ton but, and this is a big but, the addiction is still there lying in wait until my guard is down or waiting to strike when I am at my weakest. This isn't something that is going to just magically go away overnight. This is something that is going to take months to overcome... And then it really hit me... I may never overcome this. I may never be able to let my guard down around sugar or ever eat those foods I can't control myself around. Normally that would scare the shit out of me but I do feel like I am finally starting to really get it. I always knew that I needed to make a "life style" change but I think part of me always thought eventually I would be able to eat ice cream and candy again. In th back if my mind I always thought the dieting would have and end date and, they always did. I can't make any promises but today I do feel confident that I can get through another week. I love eating healthy but I am still an addict and addicts can always relapse. Like they day in AA and NA, "Just take it one day at a time."

I have yo go pick up my older daughter now and then, when I get home, I have to get everything ready for Easter morning.  I was planning on writing more but just don't have the time. Maybe later tonight...otherwise I'll just write again when I have sometime. 

-Marie

(Sent from my iPad)